C'est la vie.

#109. I may smile on the outside.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013 | 8:47:00 PM | 0 comments| add a comment

I need help.

I can't handle all of these. It's the exam period and I'm in the midst of my consecutive papers. I have been really worn out the past few days with all my memory intensive papers and right now, nothing is getting into my head.

I had an argument with my boyfriend, because this retarded guy tweeted me some stupid shit yesterday.

I barely had enough rest, I wasn't in the right mood and I took my morning paper damn early in the morning. We talked things out and it's mostly about me not being able to handle and get my shit together. He's been patient with me and understanding to great lengths. Honestly sometimes I have been really stressed out I don't even know why I cry. Can I love someone when I can't even love myself/my family? When I start tearing up when something bad's happening to me, I'd think of all the negativity and cry about it altogether too.

Is this depression or something. I just can't help myself, it soothes me and allow me to let some of the emotions out. In a long while, tonight I really want to get my running shoes, head out and just find somewhere quiet where I can cry my heart out. But I can't because I have a morning paper tomorrow again and what's the point anyway? For tonight, I have to vent and get back to studying and go sleep.

I feel like crap right now, and since there's no where to vent my frustrations I'll do it here.

Look what happened today.

I got home at about 2plus, took a nap because I had such a horrible morning and I depserately needed to catch up on sleep. Woke up at about 4 and my mum came home from work. She started yelling at my sister for not coming home early. I couldn't get a single thing in my head from what I was studying over the noise, so i went to have my dinner first.

A little after, my mum went into her room to rest and then my brother started talking and laughing in his room to his damn self. I was at my breaking point and I went in to yell at him, fighting tears. He pointed me the middle finger, said a few vulgarities and I left it at that - I'm too used to it and honestly it doesn't bother me now.

Right now my dad's just returned and I swear my brother's going to continue trying to irritate the entire family, ask for money, say he's hungry or just beg for attention. I've been brought up all my life living with someone like him, sometimes I really wonder why God decided for me to be born into this family. I try so hard to tolerate it, mind my own business, but when it's a tough week like this with so many bombshells dropped on me, I lose my cool.

I can't take this.

Seriously, there are so many reasons why this house isn't a conducive environment to study. There is no way I can handle this, sometimes I just shut everyone in my family out and busy myself with whatever I've to do. Nothing can be solved in this family. How do you get sense into a brother who is really just freaking mental? He's on medication but I don't see how it helps with his condition at all. He is aggressive, but I'm not afraid. He's so big in size, one push from him and I'd definitely fall. But you know what? Sometimes I really do wish he'd land me in the hospital just so I don't have to face him day in and day out. It's so difficult living under the same roof with someone like that.

I have so much pent up emotions, I really want to speak with a guidance counsellor and ask just why out of so many different sets of families out there, why do I have to live with one like mine. Just give me one reason to live for this family, I'd gladly hold on to it and stay strong for myself and for them.

The confidence I have in everything is slowly crumbling because my support is so weak. Who's there for me? Who's going to be there for me in 5, 10, 20 years time? If I had a choice, I really want to be just a very ordinary girl who actually feels belonged and loved by her family members when I can live everyday by finding joy in simplicity. Don't have to worry about supporting the family, don't have to stress over what others enjoy naturally. It's really really all I want and the most I can ever wish for in my life.

And then I ask myself again, wish? If anything can be done by wishing no one has to do anything and just sit in their house wishing all day. I can't take action, so that's my problem. Often times I keep suppressing and tolerating and smile and laugh, go about my daily life pretending like everything is okay.

Or do I? Maybe I'll only ever feel at ease with myself, to be so easily amused to be rah rah because I don't get that at home. I really don't know. I think so much into things, I really find myself so hard to understand sometimes. I just want everyone around me to be happy and contented, to feel loved and cared for. But I have never been shown that at home, how do I express it to the loved ones around me? It's not supposed to be a struggle isn't it???

If I'm here in this family to help them then damn it, I'm sorry. I can't do it because I can't even handle myself and my personal problems. I just cannot deal with this again and again and again.