Been taking a lot of photos recently! :)

Sigh it's almost 11am and I'm having the feel to blog.. 

Today's my sister's birthday and I guess birthdays in my family aren't really special. I never really celebrated mine with my family/recieved any presents whatsoever. I don't mind/care about celebrating or presents but just the mere time spent as a family, as a whole. I don't even remember when we properly went out together. Probably CNY or the like.

Sometimes I just wish that my family's closer. I try to think of what I can do sometimes, but it seems as though for the others, it comes so naturally. Trying to bring a family together isn't as easy as snapping your fingers, it isn't something that happens overnight.

I've been at Beebz' place for a bit now, and it just warms my heart to see how close they are despite their differences. One night I asked Stan if he thinks bringing me to meet his family brought him closer to them and he said it did. Isn't it nice? They go on trips together, eat out and meet the external family so often. His grandma is just so friendly and easy going, his chatty sister also broke all the awkward barriers I had when I first stepped in. 

So I thought about it, how would it be like if I introduced Beebz to my family?

There are so many people whom I know are really close to their family, and I guess that's what sets mine apart from the rest. I know I can't compare, but I feel really really envious of those that can return home to a happy, welcoming family after a long day at work/school. I barely know my Uncles/Aunties, much less the existence of my cousins. Yeah, it's quite sad when I think about it.

What's the point of having so many friends and and laugh and go crazy with? I can be so cheerful outside, but why don't I feel it at home?

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. I'm definitely closest to my Mom, we do alot together. I talk to her about school, she tells me about work. We fool around at home and it's easy for me to tell her things. She also talks to me about her worries for my siblings. 

I don't have common topics with my brother. We don't even talk. 

My Sis, I joke with her sometimes, sing songs together, but her maturity level.. I just don't know where its at. I used to always talk to her, about how studies are important and I even used to help her with her work. 

My Dad, we hardly even spend time together now. There is just this strange formality between me and my Dad. I remember when I was younger, I loved climbing in between my parents on their bed at night. My dad used to carry me back to bed whenever I fall asleep waiting up for him to come home from work. We used to have a family devotion, but it just died off. When I say formality, its just about how I only talk to him about school, and nothing much really. I remember going out for late night supper with my Dad and he'd warn my about many things in life. Like how I should focus on my studies, get a stable job in the future. He'd tell me about how he fell into a financial debt recently, and not to trust certain companies out there. 

I don't know why, it's like my Mum just cannot stand the sight of both my siblings. When I was my sister's age, I could already talk to her about so much. But whenever my Mum talk to my sis, it's either yelling at her for not studying or something she did wrong. 

Ofcourse, she's got every right to be angry, my sister can have such horrible attitude at times. I guess she's influenced by my older brother because he don't think straight and uses vulgar language quite often. Now she's also picking up bad language. I'm not surprised really, my Mum's like that too. When she's angry, she'll scream profanities at us. That's why I hate it.

I remember when I was younger, I loved talking to my maids. I loved listening to them tell me about how they celebrate festivities, where everyone would come together and countdown, maybe for christmas or the new year. I always cry my eyes out whenever a maid's leaving. I remember how we used to sneak in fruit into our room and eat it while we talk about all those. I forgot what it's called.. It looks like longans, yellow thin skin on the outside, transparent fruit on the inside but it has many little bitter seeds in them. 

After my maids left, I didn't feel as though there was anyone I could talk to on a friend level. So whenever my Mum's in a bad mood and screaming at home, I'd go down stairs for a jog. Sometimes I'd cry, but a run always feels so good. Sometimes I'd bring my phone along, and friends would call. I'd then feel a little better and go back home. There's no privacy in the small room I share with my maid and my sister. :/

Sigh, there's just alot to say about how my family isn't as close as I hope for it to be, so I shall try and spend more time with each of my family member. For my brother, it is just almost impossible. I have nothing to say to him. Sigh.

I may seem to be cheerful on the outside, but there are constantly a ton of things weighing on my mind. About my future, about my family, about something.

I also realise i haven't been spending time with my secondary school buddies or my other friends. Charis was complaining yesterday saying we haven't met in a long while. I have been missing out on a ton of events, there's this upcoming event for sports camp freshies and I should be missing out too. I don't know.. It feels as though I'm drifting away from everything.

I'm so glad I've got Stan, he's always there whenever. He once told me to open up to those I know that aren't going to be the ones who're goona leave in the future and that includes my family. It makes sense, and I'll keep that in mind. 

Alright, spent almost an hour here already, shall prepare for school :-)